“Now I weight approx. 325 lbs.”
Flashback to one month earlier. My birthday was coming up, and I’d decided to venture into online dating with the hopes of landing a date before the end of April. In an age where Tinder and Grindr are things, I thought choosing OkCupid would be the smart option for quality dates. Wrong! Had I searched the net for ‘OkCupid horror stories’ or watched MTV’s Catfish I would have known to set the bar low. Way low. Low like dig a hole and bury it.
Very quickly I learned not to respond to messages that had even a hint of sexual innuendo. Sir, how dare you send me a “Hey, sup?” like I’m some common Jezebel!
Right before I gave up hope, Roberto messages me. I check out his profile. We’re a meh match and I’m not physically attracted to him. But, since he didn’t hit me with the eggplant in the first go, I figured I’d respond.
He’s regular. Aside from being prone to write days of scripture, he’s regular. I think, maybe I’ll grow into this love. I invite him to meet up at a café since we both live near the city. Radio silence.
“Well, the thing is I weighed like 270 before joining the Navy. I got down to 178 in three months so I could join. Gradually I gained the weight back. I allowed myself to get out of control. Now I weight approx. 325 lbs…”
Dear Diary, I finally learned why Roberto from OkCupid didn’t jump on the chance to meet me. Even after I told him I was still interested in meeting up, he told me I was too hot for him and asked that I wait a few months. Listen, I’m on a deadline and refuse to let these internet man dem catfish me out of my time or money.
Later that year, I traveled across international waters to meet another dude whom I’d only previously met online. I wondered if he would look the same in person. They said he was tall for his age but everyone knows internet man dem lie about their height.
In a past life, I’d tried being a model but was just shy the 5’9” height requirement. I know exactly how tall I am and will never mistake a 5’6” for a 5’9”.
While he was taller than I expected, he was only able to recognize me after I called from Skype to prove I was he person who lived in his mom’s tablet.
Happy birthday, Luparelo. May you always be loved and never catfished.
Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life.
