Skip to main content

Beware the PakRest - Just Being Funny

I’m not a picky eater. Since I spent most of my growing years eating healthy food, I feel like it’s my adult right to eat whatever I want – at least before I have kids and need to be a role model or whatever. However, it’s not that time. This is my time to wild out and eat whatever I want. What I want is a basic burger, fries, and ice cream combo. All day. Every day. Maybe switch it up with a doughnut or two.

Sometimes my friends convince me to try new things. I occasionally indulge them. Usually, my fears of dishes being too spicy or gagging on mud result in enjoyable experiences. 

We decided to check the Pakistani restaurant off the food bucket list. This was the real deal. People were eating with their hands, double-dipping, and adding secret herbs and sauces. They were going all in! The one white couple in the joint were eating with utensils. As the only black person there, I felt obligated to do my people proud and eat like the natives.

That. Butter chicken. Was. Bangin’! I rolled up my sleeves and used all five fingers to pluck away at that spinach and feta cheese dish. Alright? Amen!

The day was beautiful. We passed a march for peace in the Middle East. We discussed saris and special occasion attire. As if we had a claim on the culture. After putting our leftovers in the fridge, we dreamed of round two.

Midnight. Hot flashes of pain in my lower back. Could this be the exorcism? After my third round of ghost poops, I contemplated popping some Midol. I don’t. This pain foreshadowed something more sinister. 

As I crept back to bed, I hear the roommate entering the bathroom. Were they also feeling unwell? Maniacal laughter. What’s the joke? I’d like a good chuckle, Charlie Boy. Before I uncover the punchline, my colon alerted me that it needed an emergency cleansing. 

Bang on the door! I. NEED. THE. RESTROOM! 

Devious giggles. “We have diarrhea!”

Say what now? Gurgle. Spicy hot septic lava in the rectum.

I've never had diarrhea in my life – at least not as an adult life.  How is this possible? How long will this last? We’re a relay team. They poop. I poop. There’s no time for Lysol or air freshener. Coincidentally, we’d just seen Dave Chappelle’s comedy special. Dave did a bit about how back in the day people died from diarrhea. This could have been death. I should have had a will prepared. Thankfully, we’re in the new millennium, and my pooper scooper eventually healed.

A few Yelpers reported that they also got the runs that weekend. Mystery solved, Scooby Doo. We won’t be going back there. 

Shout out to all the restaurant owners obeying health safety laws.


What would you do? Tweet me using #JBFxOnicia


Created on St. Maarten. Based in Chicago. Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) writes, says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. Originally published in The Daily Herald's Weekender, Just Being Funny is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life


Want more funny? Subscribe. Buy me ice cream. Share.

Popular posts from this blog

Alive, Making Stuff, and Ready to Collaborate - Onicia Updates - December 2018

This month's newsletter is inspired by my friend and fellow creative living in Chicago, Erisa Apantaku (@erisa_apantaku) . Erisa produces content for some of my fave Chicago media organizations including City Bureau and South Side Weekly. As we break for the holiday season and prepare our resolutions for 2019, I want you to know that I'm alive, making stuff, and ready to collaborate. Holla at me or connect me with anyone interested in producing a play (especially in the Caribbean), publishing short fiction or personal essays, producing video or audio content. Next year, I want to be all about sharing stories. I don't plan on doing as many live storytelling or comedy events, but I'm open to creating stuff for the internet. Know any business owners needing a website upgrade, blog content, newsletters, or press releases? Here's a link to my portfolio and list of services. Well, that's all I gotta say for 2018. See you in the new year and hopefully we...

Plenty of Caribbean Talent - Onicia Update - October 2019

My ultimate goal as a Caribbean screenwriter: Create a scripted television show for and about the Caribbean. Winning awards is optional and not required for success. With that in mind, I'm always searching for collaborators and opportunities to tell stories. I finally worked up the courage to reach out to Peter Sagnia. He's a director and filmmaker currently living in St. Maarten. Chatting with Peter, Diane de la Haye,  AlysiaSimone , and my other Caribbean friends reminds me that we have plenty of talent in the region. Today I have the technology to communicate with any Caribbean talent. Access to affordable creative tools means I'm closer than ever to achieving my storytelling goals.  Other news:  Just Being Funny  is back. Episodes 1-4 of Pre-Existing  are now on Youtube . I think I'm episode 9 or 10. Maya Montrell and I are on page 16 of 30 of  Counting on Kendra . I was supposed to publish updates and lessons about our pro...

Add to cart button